A Lament for Jennifer / Seeking Madison

by J. M. Branum

Lament

I had been gone for a month, so the news hit me like a head-on collision.

Dead. Jennifer was dead.

I didn't believe it, so I called to find out what had happened. The news then was even more shocking. A month previous, she had caught a strep infection. Three days later she was dead.

Numbness. It didn't seem real.

I last saw her a few months before. At that time, she was pregnant and beaming with joy. She seemed so healthy and strong that day. Her eyes sparkled.

Thinking back earlier, I remembered seeing her and her husband in class. The newlywed couple always sat in front of me, and I loved to watch them. They would whisper back and forth to each other, pass notes and sometimes just smile at each other. They were so much in love.

Reality. She is dead. Her husband and their little girl are alone. How? Why? Dead. Pain. Dead. The grief sunk in and settled like a fog.

Why does it hurt so much? Is it because her husband is now a 26-year-old widower, and her daughter won't have a mother? Is it because a lifetime of dreams was shattered for those who loved her? If God would do this, then why should I trust him? Her husband believed; look what it got him.

I want to get drunk so bad. I want to sit and not think, but I can't. I try to sleep, but the pictures of her keep flashing through my mind.

This is so wrong! How? Why? GOD!?

Or, maybe, just maybe, this is all part of your "big plan." Yeah, that's it . . .

Well it's a sick plan if you ask me! What could possibly be worth her senseless death?

What in the hell* are you doing? I do not understand, and right now I do not want to understand. If I have one more person tell me, "You shouldn't feel this way. God is using this for a purpose," I will scream!!!

To be brutally frank, right now I'm debating whether I would rather get so drunk I forget my own name, or I would rather just die. Both options seem pretty attractive right now.

Numbness or Oblivion, that is the question.

***

While thrashing through the storm of anguish, a word comes to me, "hesed." It's a Hebrew word that means, "faithful, loyal, covenant love." Somewhere in the deepest recesses of my heart, I know God's hesed is real, and that he heseds me right now.

Yet, I must speak my mind to God! I must state my case. I must express my frustration, my grief, but most of all my rage!!!

Finally . . . finally . . . I pour out my soul to Him, and yet, I live. And in living I turn to praise.

I still can't figure it out. I don't know why or how, but I do know one thing . . . that Go's hesed is real. For now, that's enough.

Seeing Madison

I heard that Madison means "beautiful,"
and it's a good name for you.
Eight months old,
and your name already fits you.

Your Daddy told me,
"Doesn't she have Jenny's eyes?"
And you do.
Shining bright, so pretty and blue.

After the anguish,
past the dark night,
it is so good
to see God's hesed made true.

Thank you Lord Jesus.
Thank you for Hope.
I praise you for showing,
Your hesed is true.

God bless you little Madison.
May He show you His light.
May you walk in His presence,
All the days of your life.

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